Jan. 20, 2016

Happily Ever Bachelor #3: Not-So-Jubilant Jubilee

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The rankings and the roseless for week three of The Bachelor.

Week three of The Bachelor is officially in the books. I don’t have any additional nonsense for you this week, so let’s just hop into the rankings.

The Rankings:

#1: Jubilee (Last Week: #6)

Why She’s Here: Received a one-on-one date and the ire of every other woman in the house.

Jubilee is a great example of the negative effects that this stupid process has on people. She freaked out because she felt like she wasn’t going to get the one-on-one date card, freaked out because she received the one-on-one date card and freaked out because she was on the one-on-one date.

Luckily, the producers filled Ben and her with large glasses of champagne and gallons of wine and she was able to loosen up. And by that, I mean she was able to fully explain how she was the last vestige of her bloodline because the rest of her family was dead. You know, classic first date stuff. Anyway, Ben and Jubilee ultimately seemed as if they hit it off and she returned to the house.

The women were shocked – SHOCKED – that Jubilee made it back. During the cocktail party, Jubilee hung out away from the roseless pack of women and did her own thing. Her own thing included an above-shirt back massage that incensed the pack leaders. Amber and Jami, behind the guise that Jubilee’s behavior was unbecoming of a soccer mom, felt the need to interrupt this date and set-up an impromptu girl-powered intervention.

The whole thing was ridiculous. Jubilee ran off to the bathroom and Ben ended up saving the day. Ben always saves the day. Dude is poised as hell.

Prediction: She is approaching villain status. If Olivia gets the boot, Jubilee may become public enemy number one.

 

#2 Amber (LW: T-#10)

Why She’s Here: Received the group date rose and led a revolt against Jubilee.

Amber was a non-factor over the first two weeks of the show. Her screen time consisted of her complaining about her lack of Ben time. Somehow this episode, Amber received a group rose. This was enough evidence for her to decide that she was entitled to control the rest of the women in the house.

She really irritated me throughout the episode.

Prediction: I’ll give her two weeks.

 

#3 Olivia (LW: T-#1)

Why She’s Here: Telepathic language with Ben, potential heart-attack-producing aggro smiles.

Olivia sweated out a Rose Ceremony for the first time this week. The producers actually did a bad job by saving her rose for last because it was quite clear that she was going to get the rose over Shushanna or Jami. I would have put Leah or Jennifer there instead.

Anyway, Olivia is peculiar because she is of both the future and the past. She bares her teeth, just as her ancestors did hundreds of thousands of years ago, and she also communicates with Ben through telepathy. When Ben entered the room, we got a full face of intimidation teeth. When Ben didn’t give her a rose, it was so he could brush her leg slightly. I have never seen anything like it.

Of course, when she needed to use human words to console Ben after two of his family friends had died, she instead began crying because snarky bloggers were blogging about her cankles.

Prediction: Scientists will dissect her brain one day and humanity will reach the singularity and/or doomsday.

 

#4: Lauren B. (LW: T-#7)

Why She’s Here: Went on a one-on-one date.

This was a really boring one-on-one date, right? I write EXTENSIVE notes about this show and this is all I wrote:

“Her hair is going everywhere.”

“Stahhppp.”

“Cool bird’s-eye view of the mansion.”

“Hot tub in the middle of nowhere.”

“This is a boring-ass date.”

I also remember her talking about how she loves mowing the lawn. What a boring-ass date.

Prediction: She may win this thing or get cut next week. I don’t know.

 

#5: Becca (LW: T-#10)

Why She’s Here: Becca.

You know how I know Becca is sheltered? She reacted to Jubilee’s above-shirt back massage the same way people react when they see a ghastly crime.

“Oh no, should I be seeing this? Is this okay? This doesn’t seem okay! ARE MY EYES ABOUT TO BURN, RENDERING ME PERMANENTLY BLIND?”

There are red rover games with more contact than that massage. There are busy bus rides more intimate than that massage. I’m pretty sure Olivia would tell you that Ben has sent her sexier telepathic thoughts than anything that happened during that massage.

Prediction: The trailers indicate that Becca may make a heel turn next week. That would be fantastic

 

#6: Emily (LW: #9)

Why She’s Here: Excellent goalkeeping in the face of an onslaught from the stripes team.

One of the twins finally did something to differentiate from the other! Wow! Maybe they are here for a reason.

Prediction: I’m still guessing that this is a two-on-one. The producers have that in their back pocket and can’t wait to use it.

 

#7: Leah (LW: T-#10)

Why She’s Here: Football.

Leah has had maybe five minutes of screen time, and roughly 95% of that time she is talking about football. When she arrived at the house? Hey, catch this football. When she goes to play soccer? Man, I love football. I’m starting to wonder if this is some sort of promotion by the NFL to keep the American minds on the playoffs.

Prediction: Watch her get kicked out the week after the Super Bowl.

 

T-#8: The Rest (LW: T-#10)

Why They’re Here: I felt like this was a really strange episode. Highly ranked girls like Caila and Jojo didn’t receive date invitations or screen time, nobody seemed to get that visibly drunk, and one girl even played through a potential ambulance opportunity. It seems appropriate that I couldn’t round out a true top ten.

The Roseless:

Lace

What Went Wrong: The producers kept interfering, Lace read the tea leaves and left.

Lace had potential to be another off-the-wall crazy person who somehow made it to the top six or eight, but in another twist uncharacteristic of this show, she decided to bow out. Good for her. I will miss the battle between her and Olivia that never was.

 

Jami

What Went Wrong: She never talked to Ben.

I know she gave herself a 71% chance to advance, but I cannot recall a single time when she actually talked to Ben. Did she talk to Ben? I don’t think she talked to Ben.

 

Shushanna

What Went Wrong: Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing went wrong and Ben made a mistake. At least she seems like a surefire candidate for Bachelor in Paradise.

 

That’s it for this episode, but they are headed to Las Vegas next week! Should be a good one.


Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.