01.27.2016

Happily Ever Bachelor #4: Fear And Loving In Las Vegas

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The rankings and the roseless for week four of The Bachelor.

We went to Las Vegas this week, which means all of you have to call me Nick Pappagiorgio for the entirety of these rankings. Let’s do this.

The Rankings:

#1: Caila (Last Week: T-#8)

Why She’s Here: I have no idea who to rank number one.

I’m going with Caila. Nice job Caila! I doubt she actually wins this thing, but she currently has my support. We’re probably still a week or two away from getting some legitimate one-on-one dates, but Caila will be in this thing for the long haul.

Caila was also weirdly into the ventriloquist act. I don’t think it was fake enthusiasm because not even Ben would expect you to fake enthusiasm for something so terrible.

How did they end up with a ventriloquist act in a city full of hundreds of shows in the first place? I think The Bachelor producers needed some type of logical device to make their talent show option seem natural. So, they had their booking agent go out and see what they could get. I would love to see the head producer’s reaction when that booking person came back with “Terry Fator – Ventriloquist.”

“So, who did you get? Britney? Penn and Teller?”

“No, I got Terry Fator. He does puppets.”

That person was then fired.

Prediction: Caila finishes third and comes back for next season. If The Bachelor producers really want to get some sick storylines going, they would bring back people until they can’t anymore. Give Caila six seasons and The Bachelorette.

 

#2: Becca (LW: #5)

Why She’s Here:

If someone told me Becca had lived in a closed-off community for fifteen years and was just recently released from capture it wouldn’t surprise me. Would you rule out the Vice headline reading “Becca: The Real Life Kimmy Schmidt” popping up in like six months? I wouldn’t rule it out.

This episode, Ben and The Bachelor production capitalized on Becca’s sheltered background and had him fake propose to her in a Las Vegas marriage den. Of all the women, she was certainly the most likely to fall for it. And, of course, there was a solid four seconds where she thought she had won the show before Ben explained it was all a funny gag. Got her!

Also, if you are getting married in Las Vegas then you probably want the lowest possible amount of attention and fanfare. I can’t imagine having my Las Vegas wedding officiated by the most polished bachelor of all time and a robot named Becca.

Who am I kidding? That’s my ideal wedding. I want that so much.

Prediction: See above.

 

#3: Olivia (LW: #3)

Why She’s Here: Current villain.

They did a talent show this episode because the producers needed to remind us that this show is really just a glorified beauty contest – assuming your idea of glorified beauty includes quarantine, a sexual component and possible marriage for the winner. Anyway, most of the girls went traditional routes for their talents. For example, Jubilee played the cello and Lauren H. did stand-up. Olivia decided to go in a different direction.

There was a sense of tension amongst the group date invitees about what Olivia was going to do. Everyone was upfront about their skills, but Olivia thought, “when in Rome” and kept her cards close to her chest. Turns out, she wasn’t interested in keeping much else close to her chest because she was rolled out in a giant cake. Okay, so getting wheeled out in a traditional bachelor party piece has a certain set of connotations that comes with it and Olivia was either unaware of these connotations or she failed miserably at living up to them. What I’m saying here is that Olivia had no idea what she was doing up there.

Here is where she went wrong:

First, she had no plan. She popped out of that cake and tried to do a burlesque show routine crossed with a Kate McKinnon Saturday Night Live skit. She did some jazz hands, some odd leg kicks and tossed in some strained facial expressions. Her source material may have been from this.

Second, if you are going to set up a strip routine, then do the damn strip routine. You can’t do a striptease if you start out in your underwear. Put on some clothes and go from there.

Maybe she just shouldn’t have jumped out of a giant cake. That would have been a good idea, too

Prediction: I think her time is winding down. Maybe two weeks left?

 

#4: Emily (LW: #6)

Why She’s Here: She survived the inevitable two-on-one!

They added an extra date this week because the twins, Haley and Emily, were in their hometown of Las Vegas, so Ben decided to make a mini hometown date and head to their mom’s place.

There we discovered that one of the twins (Haley) still has pictures of her ex-boyfriend in her nightstand. We also discovered that one twin (Haley) never felt a connection with Ben and expected to get booted during this little date. So Ben kicked Haley out and kept Emily!

I thought for sure that they were both going home, especially after their creepy river dance straight out of The Shining. Seriously, between the ventriloquist and that dance, someone could easily cut this episode into some type of horror movie.

Prediction: I’ll give her a week. I don’t even know why she’s here.

 

T-#5: Jojo and Lauren B. (LW: T-#8 and #4)

Why They’re Here: One-on-one date, potential winners.

I don’t have a lot to say about either of them, but they both need to be mentioned. Lauren B. will probably win this thing and she is the safe, boring pick and pragmatic Ben will pragmatically choose her. Super lame.

However, any girl that has the guts to go by Jojo is a winner in my book. I need mo’ Jojo, man.

Prediction: Lauren wins. Jojo gets a long look for The Bachelorette.

 

T-#7: The Rest

Why They’re Here:

There is a set of women clearly separating themselves from the rest of the bunch. Unless there is a late charge by some no-name like in Sean’s season, I think we can pretty much rule out about half of these women. Lauren H. is not going to win this thing; Leah and Jennifer are just waiting to get cut.

Prediction: Looks like another batch of Bachelor Pad contestants.

The Roseless:

Haley

What Went Wrong: I think it started with her upbringing in Las Vegas and ended around the time Ben saw the picture of her ex-boyfriend on her nightstand.

 

Rachel

What Went Wrong: Who is Rachel? I am not sure if I could pick her out of a line-up.

 

Amber

What Went Wrong: She was the head of the anti-Jubilee movement and Ben drew lines in the sand and cut off the movement’s head. This is the best thing Ben has done this season and probably the best thing he’s done since he brought down one of the biggest drug dealers in Miami. I’m not even making that up! He said he did that! 24 minute mark of this podcast.

 

Hey, we’re down to Ben’s final eleven next week! Only half of the season left!

Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.