Happily Ever Bachelor #5: PURGATORY

The rankings and (not) the roseless for week five of The Bachelor.

There was no rose ceremony this week. This is pretty much the worst-case scenario for someone who does this “Rankings and Roseless.” gimmick because it eliminates half of the title, it throws off my whole rhythm and I know that they’ll push next week’s rose ceremony to another week to mess things up more. Just great. It’s whatever, though. I’ll make this work.

The Rankings

#1: Amanda (Last week: T-#7)

Why She’s Here: One-on-one date, unrelenting poise in the face of a 4:20 a.m. wake-up call.

I have a theory about Amanda, and it has to do with the way she speaks. She says the word “like” a lot. Like, a lot a lot. She will drop that overused verbal crutch two, three times a sentence. And Amanda doesn’t casually slip it in there unnoticed, either. Amanda will jump two octaves so we KNOW she is unsure about what she’s saying. And guess what? I think she’s faking it.

Hear me out. What do we know about Amanda? She is the only woman on the entire show with kids, she is one of the oldest women left on the show (which is crazy because she is just 25), and she was the only woman prepared for the morning wake-up thing where The Bachelor catches the women without make-up on. I think Amanda sees all of these women and thinks she has to dumb herself down. Ben has systematically taken out every woman older than 26 and Amanda noticed. Come on, there are 22 and 23-year-olds running around out there! There is half of a twin pair from Las Vegas on this show still. If you want to win you have to adapt to your surroundings. I would dumb myself down too. It’s really a genius move, right? Right?

Okay, maybe you’re right. Maybe someone who has two kids by 25, been divorced and decided to abandon those kids for a 1/27th chance of getting her heart broken off-camera instead of on-camera is probably the type of person who talks like that. Yeah, that’s her real voice.

Prediction: Despite everything I said above, I actually kind of like Amanda. Her sassy, yet measured response to Olivia’s Teen Mom shade impressed me a bit.

(That last sentence is how to break down reality TV, folks.)


#2: Emily (LW: #4)

Why She’s Here: Has a way with words.

The top four things Emily has said:

4. After Olivia called Amanda’s life something out of Teen Mom:

“God, that was the most offensive thing in the world. The fact that Olivia said that made my jaw drop to the floor.”

3. After Ben gave Olivia the group date rose:

(She calls her sister, crying.)

“Haley, he gave Olivia the group date rose.”

Haley: “Oh, no he didn’t.”

2. Returning from one-on-one time at the cocktail party:

“Okay, that was hard.”

One of other women: “Oh, how was it?”

“That was really freakin’ hard.”

1. On the show in general:

“It really makes you dig down deep and figure out who the fuck you are.”

I love that quote so much that I tattooed it on my lower back moments after hearing it. Every week, before I write this piece, I will turn around and look at that beautiful quote to remember why I do what I do. Great, great stuff.

Also, don’t forget that Emily’s decision to tell Ben about Olivia’s house-wide hatred was essentially her falling on the sword for the rest of the girls. Now they don’t have to get their hands dirty, but Olivia’s dirty laundry was still aired. This was a sneaky-great episode for Emily.

Prediction: I’m starting to enjoy Emily’s company, but she is totally gone next week. She will be remembered as a great martyr and her speeches will be passed down through generations.


#3: Caila (LW: #1)

Why She’s Here: I originally had “The Rest” here, but that felt wrong. I felt like I wasn’t giving the readers what they wanted.

It was pretty cool that she spoke Spanish! Cool stuff, Caila!

Side note: How much did Mexico City pay ABC to host this episode? Literally every bump was an explanation to the audience of something Mexico City is known for.

“I can’t wait to take the girls to Mexico City because it’s known for its culture.”

“Did you guys know that Mexico City is a known for its food?”

“Did you know that Mexico City is one of the best cities? I really wanted to take advantage of being in this great city by showing you all of the attractions in this great city. Okay, here’s a grocery store. Please make me dinner. I will go take shots with Olivia now.”

It’s fine to promote your city a bit, but there has to be a better way.

Prediction: I’ll spend a wonderful spring break in Mexico City.


T-#4: The Rest (T-#7)

Why They’re Here: This episode was really about, like, four people.

Prediction: Becca continues to show a fear of affection by quietly saying “I love you” in hypothetical situations in at least three more languages.


Olivia (LW: Pre-Atonement)

How she ended up here: Ben. Hates. Drama.

For the first time in The Bachelor history, the idea of a rose getting taken from someone is on the table. Yes, only Emily seemed to think it was a possibility and, yes, Ben would be making this decision based on one or two statements from girls who have no chance of winning, but the producers are still running with it. They want us to believe it’s a possibility so much that they went all the way and bumped the rose ceremony to next week.

I have a feeling that Ben went into his process with a fairly logical strategy: stamp out the drama ASAP. Amber and Jubilee got into a confrontation with roses in hand and we saw what happened over the next two weeks. Did he want to get rid of them then and there and decide that the get-out-of-jail-free card known as the red rose was enough to keep them around? Did he regret his decision? Is Ben willing to make an unprecedented move in this game for the sake of love? What will I have to say about Jubilee going home pre-rose ceremony?

You’ll have to wait until next week.

Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.