The rise of Donald Trump means something has gone horribly wrong. Let’s just start this whole country over.
The Iowa Caucus is less than two weeks away from kicking off the 2016 election cycle. Donald Trump leads the race for the Republican nomination. Bernie Sanders continues to linger on the Democratic side. In other words, this is as close as the United States has been to secession in 150 years. Couchface decided that there was only one way to save the country: redraft the United States of America.
51 total selections (50 states and Washington D.C.). Snake draft format. 17 rounds.
Drafters can only select a state that shares a border with a state they have already selected. Hawaii and Alaska can be selected at any time.
Best country wins.
Key Moments Of The Draft Brought To You By DJ Khaled:
1. Texas (Nick)
Coastlines, oil and instant top-tier nationalism; Texas is everything you want with a number one pick.
2. Pennsylvania (Benji)
I don’t really care about Pennsylvania, but it ensured the entire Northeast would belong to me. Also, Pennsylvania has “vein” in its name and that makes me think about the main vein, penises.
3. California (Jake)
Nick was lured by the call of the drawl, and Benji apparently thinks coal mining is the future, so California was eagerly waiting for me to grab her and call her mine. Number one in farming, charming and warming, I knew I was off to a great start.
11. Michigan (Benji)
Michigan was certainly worth drafting dingy Ohio in the third round. It has beaches (and beach babes), it looks like a mitten, and oh yeah, it enabled me to draft Wisconsin when Nick was an idiot.
13. Minnesota (Nick)
I just cut off the two liberal yahoo country’s main trade route and produced a border with Canada. Good luck shipping with all of the taxes I’ll be tossing at you.
22. Hawaii (Jake)
With Nick splitting the country in two, all I could do was protect my half and grab what was good. I feared that Nick may try to snake into my territory, so I tried to leave him as few options as possible before snagging what might have been the sleeper of the draft.
42. Florida (Nick)
Number two on my draft board only because of Disney World. Both of your country’s national pride is going to take a huge hit when you see that you aren’t included in the Epcot World Showcase.
47. Connecticut (Benji)
Who decided to spell “Connecticut” with three c’s?
51. Indiana (Jake)
When this final pick came up, it took us a couple minutes to figure out which state was left, which must be a good sign, right?
The United States of Texas (Nick)
Once this redraft process started, I only had one way to stop Texas from becoming an independent nation: naming rights. So, they combined the greatest brand of all time in the United States with the power of Texas and we became the United States of Texas. So, what does the United States of Texas have to offer? Well, thank you very much for asking!*
Agriculture. We lead with Iowa and Texas, but we actually have five of the eight largest agriculture-producing states of the old United States. Do you want some corn? Cows? How will the 500 million New Yorkers survive on just Wisconsin cheese?
Guns. Every family will be required to have a gun and crime rates will plummet.
Expansion Opportunities. Does anyone really think that Tennessee and Kentucky want to be in a country with New York and Washington D.C.? I don’t think so. Let’s be on honest, if we start these countries on a Monday, those two, Indiana and probably Ohio all join Texas by Wednesday.
Entertainment. We already have Dallas, Miami, Chicago and all of the culture and touristy things they bring in. Well, guess what? We are legalizing gambling everywhere. Hey Draft Kings, can you not set up shop in New York? Come on down to Atlanta. Want something a little more family friendly? We still have Disney World. Disney World will be exempt from Texas taxes and we will do our best to preserve its holy land.
The Arts. Obviously, our biggest competition is Hollywood and we plan on giving huge tax breaks for film companies that want to film in the United States of Texas. Places like New Orleans and Austin would love to take over production over your favorite films and shows. We will put our best people on creating high quality creative projects, as well. For example, we put the entire Mississippi State University Honor Society graduates on the task of creating our first country map. And they killed it! It looks like a horse riding a tiger like a horse! Fantastic work, guys!
Foreign Policy: We will let other countries deal with whatever the hell is going on in Europe or China. Our number one concern is securing our boarders from New Mexicans.
Oil. Yes, a barrel of fossil fuel is currently cheaper than, like, a barrel of air. But guess what happens when gas finally rises back to $8.00 a gallon? We will be swimming in oil! With Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska we will have three of the biggest four oil producing states of the United States Before Texas (U.S.B.T.). We’re going to be swimming in the stuff while California is literally out of water to swim in! We await your phone calls.
*That’s our Southern hospitality right there, y’all.
I never slept in New York City because the night was easy. We stumbled to the curbside cabs and stumbled some more when they screeched away. She took my jacket from the military surplus, I thanked Christ himself it wasn’t windy. I mean, there would be pretty people and American Spirits and maybe the nice guy whose pilot was optioned by NBC and booze and offers and yeah. The West Side wasn’t a bad walk at all.
There’s something about a sad girl that makes you forget about a nice couch. She asked for vodka waters, but I drank them all and I suppose that had something to do with it too. The basketball player texted her. He was tall. She didn’t text back. No, I wouldn’t fight him. And yes, she was prettier than the girl across the loft with an IMDB page.
She had said she’d be right back and she was and the drip tasted bitter from my lap. Our ribs were sharp.
I dipped my flask in whiskey for the two of us. The train was serene and her makeup weighed on her eyelids and, yeah, she was still breathing. I grabbed her blanket from the military surplus. The sun was kinda warm anyway. It was my stop and she needed sleep.
…okay. Maybe I’ve never been to New York City. And maybe this entire story was just the song “Lua” by Bright Eyes. But Conor Oberst is the Bob Dylan of our generation! The point is that New York City is NEW YOOORK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF, THERE’S NOTHIN’ YOU CAN’T DO, NOW YOU’RE IN NEW YORK, THESE STREETS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BRAND NEW, THE LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU, etc., etc. It’s romantic as fuck (and there’s not trash everywhere) and everyone is scared of dying alone. It has to be the capitol of Suburbia. Washington D.C. is a dump.
Cul-de-sacs will replace Detroit, Boston and Philadelphia. Fragile white kids will flock to Suburbia. They’ll visit New York City on the weekends without permission from their moms and they’ll write pretty songs about pretty girls like “Lua” by Bright Eyes. Everyone will have those swoopy bangs. Traditional standards of masculinity will be left for more primitive cultures. There will never be another school shooting because a fragile white kid has never shot up a sch – Nevermind. Cocaine will cure obesity.
Oh, and let’s ban Facebook while we’re at it. Make Tom from Myspace the Secretary of State. Hawthorne Heights can sing the national anthem.
Suburbia! Suburbia! Suburbia… 🙁
Best Coast (Jake)
“Go west young man, and grow up with the country.” – Horace Greeley
In the pre-divide history of the United States, once concept dominated foreign policy for over a century and a half. That concept? Manifest Destiny. Since the dawn of the colonies, the people of America have wanted to do one thing above all else: Get the fuck out of the east. With that in mind, I’d like to introduce to you what is undeniably the greatest nation to rise from this draft.
When it comes down to it, Best Coast might just have too much greatness to offer. In a draft that was decided in large part by geography, the other countries could not come close to offering the diversity that Best Coast has. From the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans (white with foam), Best Coast has it all. Throw in the visual symmetry of Hawaiis West and East, and over 30 national parks, and we’re talking a geographer’s wet dream.
But Best Coast isn’t just nice to look at. This country is built on the backs of hard-working farmers too. North and South Farmington are obvious hot spots, but the real gem here is California. Before the draft, California was the Now Divided States’ number 1 state in agricultural production. Combine that with fishing in Seaport and the ranches of Yellowstone+, and you’re looking at one well-fed nation.
Best Coast is also the country of the future, holding dominion over both Silicon Valley and Seattle. While those other countries struggle to turn their computers off and back on again, we’ll be making technology smarter, faster, and less expensive, at least for our citizens. An when humanity finally reaches the singularity, you can bet Best Coast will be there first.
Speaking of Silicon Valley, Best Coast also holds dominion over entertainment. We’ve got Hollywood, baby! With all the TV and movies that we’ll be cranking out, it should be pretty easy to slip our ideals into the cultures of our neighbors to the east. We’ve already got a sleeper agent in Hawaii East, and it’s just a matter of time before we reprogram the rest of the continent.
Perhaps the biggest reason Best Coast is truly the greatest country in North America is due to the happiness of its citizens. The 2014 Gallup Healthways Well-Being Index, which gauges the happiness and healthiness of states, listed eight of our fine states in its top ten.
So if “New York values” or crazy, gun-toting neighbors have you down, come on over to Best Coast, we’re happy to have you.
The Greatest Country in the World?
The United States is obviously the greatest country in the world. But we’ve just split the whole thing up into three new countries, so which of these new countries is the greatest? Couchface called in an expert, like we always do, to deliver a verdict: Bryant “Mr.” Hancock. Mr. Hancock is a high school social studies teacher, Gulf War veteran, and most importantly, possesses a large collection of military miniatures. We are fairly confident he has appeared on the History Channel because he’s an authority on social studies stuff.
The United States of Texas.
Dammit, Mr. Hancock. What have you done? Nick is going to be insufferable for the next six months.