Jul. 21, 2016

A Shameless Game Of Thrones / Basketball Thought Experiment

Cf GoT Basketball

Warning: A lot of spoilers, sports, swearing, violence and sexual Game Of Thrones stuff.

Summer is a lot less fun when you’re in college than it was when you were in high school. Gone are the days when you could just cruise around town in your mom’s car and get hollered at by lifeguards at the town pool. Instead, college kids work at internships and old jobs, pay for housing and try to stockpile cash for the upcoming school year. For the typical college dude, though, there are a few significant advantages that summer holds over every other season: Game of Thrones and the good part of the NBA: The Finals and free agency.

These are three of the most finely-crafted entertainment experiences of the year. All are absolutely wild and will have you up late into the night reading think piece after think peace and doing deep dives into Reddit, until you realize that you work in two hours and have yet to sleep. It’s perhaps the best time of the year from a televised entertainment point of view.

So, since I more or less botched my blogging experience whilst overseas, I figured I would use the time I spend doing nothing at one of my jobs to do something stupid, dorky and fun for my return to casual writing. I made a fantasy basketball league using GoT characters. Yes, my nerdom has peaked. Here it is, folks. Bask in it.

WARNING: THERE’S A LOT OF SPOILERS, SPORTS, SWEARING, VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL GAME OF THRONES STUFF IN THIS POST. YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ IT. GET OUT NOW IF YOU WISH. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU ARE ONE OF MY GRANDMOTHERS, YOU SHOULD NOT READ THIS.

 

Rules:

1. Characters on the same team must be in the same geographical location.

2. Characters must be human. Who the hell could defend three dragons? Drogon’s post game would be impossible to defend. They’re all bigger than the court anyway.

3. Each team gets five players and a coach.

4. After selecting the teams, I will decide who stands the best chance at taking out the overly talented White Walkers (AKA: The Golden State Warriors).

 

Winterfell Wolves:

Point Guard: Sansa Stark

Sansa

In season six, Sansa Stark proved to be a better field commander than Jonny Snow, so she’s running things from the backcourt. She also has some deep connections with individuals on the other squads that could prove essential in a hypothetical GoT free agency situation (which, as much as I want to, I’m not going to get into). Tyrion and Littlefinger would be happy to join her team. Not to mention, I think Sophie Turner might actually be 6’5” in real life.

 

Shooting Guard: Lyanna Mormont

Lyanna-Mormont-Battle-of-the-Bastards

Fuck it. Follow this link. Watch the clip. Lyanna Mormont’s the soul of this team. The best motivational player in the league. Like a tiny white girl version of Kevin Garnett. Yeah, being a child isn’t too much of a physical advantage, but did you watch her back these grown ass men down in that clip? This is the best child in the world.

 

Small Forward: Jon Snow

kit-haringtons-character-jon-snow-was-killed-in-game-of-thrones-season-5-finale

Probably the G.O.A.T.

I’m incredibly biased towards Jon Snow because my whole family loves Kit Harington like he is the son/brother we never had/met. Last time I went home, our refrigerator featured more pictures of Harington than me (5 for Kit, 4 for me). The only person challenging his G.O.A.T. status is Danny Targ, but we’ll get to her soon. I’m a firm believer in the stupid notion that if Michael Jordan were to be a small, adorable, white British dude with great hair, he would be Jon Snow. Snow also came back from the dead, which is a pretty good metaphor for Jordan’s return to the NBA after his baseball career.

Capable as a 1,2,3 or even 4, this bastard is my top player. Admittedly, he doesn’t know much (low basketball IQ), but he’s surrounded with good people and is exceptional at offense, defense, quick transitions and cunnilingus (NSFW), which are all of the utmost importance in basketball.

 

Power Forward: Tormund Giantsbane

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Strong. Good at everything. Bad at accounting for his own personal health. Willing to murder people. He’s the perfect 4.

 

Center: Brienne of Tarth

pou5dqfnk039

(So happy I could use the same pic.)

Toughest on the team.

This would have been Wun Wun’s spot, but he’s out with a case of arrow-eye. However, how deep can a bench be if Brienne is your second string 5? She can definitely dunk and definitely defend just about anyone in the league. Why haven’t the Minnesota Linx signed her? Ugh. I wish this were an actual basketball lineup. I would watch every game.

 

Coach: Davos Seaworth

davos

Yeah, maybe not the best tactician, but no one can pump morale like Daddy Davos.

 

King’s Landing Lakers:

Point Guard: Cersei Lannister

Cersei

I placed her at point guard because Cersei Lannister needs to control literally everything she can, even though Cersei is clearly Kobe Bryant. She declared herself queen of the realm despite being on the worst team in the league. WHO ELSE WOULD DO THAT BESIDES KOBE?

She’s also the most interesting player around. And, love her or hate her, she is the most intriguing person on the floor at all times. Even as Kobe was facing the worst season in Los Angeles Lakers history, he was one of the top five stories in the NBA, just because he’s insanely magnetic. When Kobe’s playing well, it’s dope to watch. When he’s playing awful, he might just blow-up at his teammates. That’s so Cersei.

Cersei has the odds stacked against her so high for the upcoming season that I am sure she is gonna get dethroned or killed (looking at you, Mr. Jaime). Now, she never had Kobe’s fortune early in her career, but she’s still capable of dropping 60 points in a game, before slumping hard the next.

 

Shooting Guard: Bronn

Bronn

Bronn’s essentially the Jimmer Fredette of the GoT universe, if you were to make Jimmer a lot better at basketball, funnier and a lot less BYU-ish. But, yeah, they both have range.

(Here is that scene of Bronn killing like 1,000 dudes again from long range.)

He also has good chemistry with his small forward, which could lead to some cool, gold-handed alley-oops.

…okay, I can’t get past the idea of Bronn at BYU. How long would he last there? Like 20 minutes? He’d definitely be the guy at orientation who has somehow already hooked up with a number of girls. Bronn’s a silver-tongued devil, the exact opposite of what BYU looks for in students. BYU is for dudes like season one or two Sam Tarley, or, at best, Grey Worm.

How do they somehow end up good at sports every year? Man, I have an unreasonable grudge against BYU for being boring.

Anyway, y’all should watch this update on Jimmer’s life.

 

Small Forward: Jaime Lannister

jaime

The Shaq to Cersei’s Kobe.

(Though, it’s doubtful that Shaq and Kobe ever banged.)

Once good “friends,” they are now feuding frenemies. Jaime Lannister definitely has talent. I could see him cleaning up on defense, swatting balls into the 20th row with his gold hand and shit. But is that enough to propel his team to glory? Nah, it’s not. This isn’t early 2000’s basketball. It takes more than two uber-talented players to win a ring (or throne) these days. You need a smooth combo of dope players, team cohesion and a (borderline) god on your squad to get that job done.

Also, Jaime lacks movable fingers on one hand, so that probably wouldn’t help in any sort of offensive basketball situation.

 

Power Forward: Septa Unella

septa

No one likes this lady, but her fate at the end of season six is, far and away, the worst of any character on the show. Being the Mountain’s torture thing and Cersei’s prisoner is downright nightmare worthy, which makes what I’m about to claim sound awful. Septa Unella’s a player trapped in rough contract after all her friends either retired or skipped town for a new team. She either got drafted by a squad she didn’t want to play for (S/O to Zach Levine) or signed to a formerly-good team she really liked before everybody started jumping ship. (What’s good anyone who’s about to sign with OKC?).

Anyway, for the sake of this meaningless article, I’m glad she’s still alive, because she fits the power forward position really well. Too bad she hates all her teammates. (Hey, another Kobe!)

 

Center: The Mountain

Mountain

(Hahahaha This is my favorite picture on the internet.)

Yeah, probably makes sense to play a dude named “The Mountain” at center.

 

Coach: Qyburn

Qyb

This gross-ass dork can dig deep to come up with stupid ways to win. Qyburn is willing to cheat the system like every other coach on the list, but his ability to eliminate the competition in the offseason is especially admirable. Even if he is a filthy, filthy man.

Qyburn’s like a nerdy, yucky, not-a-DILF version of Steve Kerr, who blew up one of his biggest threats by signing their best player. That said, I don’t think he can control his roster at all. Cersei (Kobe) is gonna run this team into the ground regardless of her coach’s ability.

 

Intermission:

Bobby

I realize I have thrown a lot of vulgarity, sex, violence and sports at you in the preceding paragraphs and links. There’s a good chance you aren’t a huge fan of at least one of those things, so here is an episode of Bob Ross. Watch it. Take a breather. Absorb this man’s art and his gentle, perfect soul. Then read the rest of this. It’ll still be vulgar, violent and sporty.

 

Khaleesi’s Cavaliers:

Point Guard: Daenerys (Insert 50 titles) Targaryen

Danny

As far as I’m concerned, Daenerys Targaryen is the LeBron of this scenario. Yeah, LeBron isn’t a point guard, but he is the boss, and that’s Danny as well.

She showed off her strength in close quarters this season by burning down a hut full of dudes while inside, which is basically what Lebron does every time he is in the paint. They are both all-around talents and don’t necessarily need a supporting cast to get stuff done. But hey, it can’t hurt to have a Kyrie or Daario around (Sorry ‘bout the break up, D$). Also, I’m pretty sure LeBron is the only guy in the NBA today who could control three dragons.

(In all reality, though, Lebron is Drogon.)

(If you just scrolled past that link. Go back up there and watch it.)

(No, seriously watch this link.)

 

Shooting Guard: Sand Snake Combo

sandsankes

I was gonna put Tyrion here, but I thought better of putting a dwarf in a basketball lineup. The Sand Snakes are boring characters, but they posses a range of offensive weapons that could help their squad out. One of them is probably good from deep, one can probably dunk and the other could probably take her clothes off and seduce the other team into some sort of trance that leads to points off of turnovers.

 

Small Forward: Ellaria Sand

Ellaria

I’ll be honest, this is a stretch, but I was running out of options.

Danny’s crew is comprised of a bunch of old people, tons of nameless warriors and some small people, so there aren’t a lot of people to choose from. Ellaria Sand could work in the three-spot, though, on account of being so damn sneaky. She could probably slip into dangerous spots on the court and go completely unnoticed.

That or she’d just chill on the sideline and watch her team’s head get smashed in late in the fourth quarter.

 

Power Forward: Grey Worm

Grey_Warm

Yeah, it’s a stretch. This dude’s like 5’10”. I don’t know how good Grey Worm would be in the paint, but he’s definitely scrappy and maybe he can jump super high or something.

This team is gonna have to rely on good old small ball to get stuff done, and Grey Worm can probably work some range shooting into his game as well as drive into the paint with reckless abandon. Damn, Danny chose a small group of people to be friends with. They would be a good soccer team, though!

 

Center: Yara Greyjoy

Yara

Yeah, Yara Greyjoy is short too.

Outside of Lebron Targaryen, Yara is this team’s star player. There’s obvious sexual tension between the team’s two stars, which could lead to fireworks on and off the court. I doubt many NBA teammates have hooked up over the years, but who knows.

Damn, if Yara and Danny hook up … Wow, I mean, talk about a steamy locker room. Okay, all pubescent, girl-on-girl sex dreams aside, Yara is a bruiser and we know she can put up a good fight, so presumably her skills will translate to the paint.

 

Coach: Varys

Varys

Varys is the only guy in GoT who hasn’t ever truly messed up. If I were power ranking coaches, he’d be number one.

 

Wandering Wizards:

Point Guard: Arya Stark

Arya

Fast, sneaky and the ability to pose as anyone who is dead. Arya Stark’s like the GoT version of Kirby from Super Smash Bros.

(SIDENOTE: I’m a huge fan of Kirby in Super Smash Bros.)

She definitely has the most potential, because she could pose as Hodor, Robb, Ramsey, Oberyn, Bob Ross, you name it! GoT has plenty of dead people!

 

Shooting Guard: Meera

Meera

Willing to put the team on her back.

 

Small Forward: Melisandre

Melisandre

Melisandre is capable of reviving the team in life or death situations, bad at defense and willing to sacrifice her own teammates to the firestorm that is the media. Not a great locker room presence.

Kinda like Deangelo Russell, but a 900 year-old which.

 

Power Forward: Beric Dondarrion

beric-dondarron-1024

Beric Dondarrion is a moral dude who is kinda good at all aspects of the game, without being too good at any one particular part.

In school, he probably got Bs in every class. But with the added bonus of immortality, Beric is a real catch. You’d never have to sub him out. He’s a good leader on the court and is friendly with Arya, Mel and the Hound. He’s the glue that holds this team together. The Derek Fisher.

 

Center: The Hound

Hound

The Hound is practically Draymond Green. He’s good at every aspect of the game and inclined to hit people in the nuts. What’s not to like?

 

Coach: Littlefinger

Little Finger

No one is more willing to cut sleazy trades and screw people over than Littlefinger. The only reason I have him coaching this wildcard team is because I fully expect him to try and kill my boy Jon. It’s a huge bummer, too, because the North’s team would be even more awesome if Littlefinger wasn’t trying to be such a fuqboi to Jon.

 

How The Tournament Would Likely Shake Out:

I had written out a really long play-by-play analysis of four tournament games between these hypothetical fictional teams, but for the sake of brevity (If you’ve watched every link, this post has taken up around three hours of your day), I am just gonna toss up a quick synopsis.

Here’s how I seeded the teams (with some sentence fragments to establish my logic):

1. Winterfell Wolves: Strongest all-around team with solid chemistry.

2. Wandering Wizards: Most chemistry with an absolutely savage lineup.

3. King’s Landing Lakers: Horrible chemistry. Third best lineup.

4. Khaleesi’s Cavaliers: Short lineup. Improving chemistry.

Semifinals:

In round one we have the Winterfell Wolves versus Khaleesi’s Cavaliers.

Jon Snow and the gang come out to a poorly dubbed version of Troop 41’s “Do The John Wall.” Despite the shoddy production and sound quality, this gets the team going. They end up winning despite Daenerys’ talents. They try to keep things in the paint since they have three of the show’s best fighters on the squad. Sansa and Lyanna just chill on the perimeter and shout encouragement/drain threes, since both of them have ice in their veins. Jon probably hits a three or thirteen as well, due to the very real possibility of him actually having some ic,e and some fire, in his veins. The Sand Snakes try some sex magic on the Wolves, but Jon is too strong from years of abstinence – and Tormund only goes for ladies or animals weighing over 250 lbs.

Better luck next time, East Side.

The other semifinal game pits the King’s Landing Lakers against the Wandering Wizards. It’s a much better matchup. The Lakers game plan is solid because it consists of Bron launching threes and the Mountain crashing boards. Everyone else just boxes out or takes a nap. Cersei naps because she showed up wine drunk.

Eventually, Arya and the Hound recreate Lob City and the game ends with a tidy Wizard’s win. After the game, Cersei wakes up and blows up the court, killing only the maintenance staff. RIP, homies.

Final: Winterfell Wolves versus Wandering Wizards

These are clearly the top two teams and it would be a damn shame if they didn’t play in the final. Like a bigger shame than the Oklahoma City Thunder missing out this year. But, fortunately, this stupid hypothetical situation is all in my control. So let’s get this going.

The Wolves can’t work the post like they did in the semis. The Hound and Brienne are equals and Beric Dondarrion never gives up and can’t foul out because he’s immortal and has Mel on his side. This is a problem and the Wizards take a quick lead. Arya outperforms her sister and Lyanna in the backcourt, while Mel tries to seduce Jon with some freaky blood magic shit. AGAIN THOUGH, JON IS NOT PHASED. HE’S HAD YEARS OF ABSTINENCE PREPARING HIM FOR THIS MOMENT.

With the Hound and Brienne neutralizing each other, the game comes down to positional match ups. Between the guards, we see Arya outplay Lyanna and Sansa outplay Meera. Eventually the switch-up coverage and the Stark girls have a bit of showdown, but they’re essentially equals. Arya has the skills; Sansa has the smarts. Like Russell Westbrook versus, I don’t know, prime Dwyane Wade?? They equal out.

Obviously Lyanna outplays Meera because Meera isn’t starter quality. She is the type of player who comes in and saves you from the bench. 2013 Kyle Korver, if you will.

So this comes down to two match ups. Jon versus Mel and Tormund versus Beric. Yeah, Winterfell wins both of those ten times out of ten.

Jon and Tormund form one hell of an on-court bromance and lay waste the other Wizards in the second half. Things get scary. Like Tormund bites Beric’s ears off scary.

God, I wish Tormund was an actual NBA player. Not enough Yukon Cornelius lookin’ dudes in the NBA.

 

Wrap Up:

Oh. Yeah, even though the Winterfell Wolves are the best squad. No one beats the Golden State White Walkers. Sorry.

White Walkers

(Pictured from left to right: Klay Thompson, Steph Curry, Kevin Durant and Draymond Green)

Wow. What have I done?


Evan Jones (@EvanXJones) likes the same music as your dad.