Jan. 8, 2015

Happily Ever Bachelor: Prince Farming is Here

NickBachClean

Anyone who knows me knows just how much I just love love. And when it comes to manufactured love filled with manipulation (probably some Stockholm syndrome too), The Bachelor franchise is the tops.

Being from Iowa, this season is extra special. Chris Soules is OUR bachelor. As Chris put it, this doesn’t happen to normal guys like him. When he was on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette, she said that was a nice guy almost to a fault. But the franchise needed a nice guy after the debacle that was Juan Pablo. This choice was like the Mike Riley hire for Nebraska: safe.

Within four minutes, it’s pretty clear that The Bachelor is going all in with that nice-guy-Iowa-farmer-type persona. HEY, THIS IS WHAT IOWA IS ALL ABOUT, GUYS! Driving motorcycles, staring longingly at red barns, doing sexy rock squats and talking about weather patterns with some elderly folks at dim diners are things we Iowans do every day.

farmerwives


See the six farmers’ wives they brought in? This is truly God’s country.

By the way, this guy isn’t normal. He said he owned six THOUSAND acres of farmland. In 2013, Iowa State University found that an acre of Iowa farmland is valued at $8,716. One acre. This guy does not have to work another day in his life. He’s 33. AH SHUCKS, WHAT A POOR FARMER FROM IOWA.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to this three-hour premier starting with the women. The price of corn may be going down, but the bachelor contestant numbers are healthier than ever. Let’s rank the (whoa) 30 women:

The Definitive Ranking Of The Women On This Week Of This Season’s The Bachelor:

(Disclaimer: These rankings are based off of what I think Chris is thinking, not what I personally think of the women. I would never judge a woman.)

1) Britt. The waitress from L.A. is the clear front-runner at the moment. After getting at least thirty seconds of Total Hug Time (THT) throughout the ‘sode including a massive 16 second embrace right out of the limo, she nabbed the first impression rose and the season’s first make-out session. She doesn’t even have to shower to easily make her way into the final four.

canadiandevil


2) Kaitlyn the Canadian. There’s a massive fall-off between one and two, but I think Kaitlyn the Canadian is as good of choice as any for the second slot. Yeah, the “you can plow the fuck out of me any day” joke may not have hit the way she thought, and she probably is not as funny as those fellas from Vancouver led her to believe, but she got a good amount of screen time and seems like a good hang.

3) Kelsey the widow. I have no idea what to think of her, but Chris did a double take when they first met and genuinely seemed impressed. The trailer at the end gave her a lot of time; she seems destined for the final five or six.

4) Tracy. She’s the schoolteacher and all of her students are convinced she’s going to have, like, nine cats and no husband. That’s just some great support from those kids.

5-9)  It’s not clear

10) Kimberly! I think she comes back and I think she makes a run. Also, a three hour episode and still a cliff hanger at the end? What is wrong with this show? Unless Kimberly viciously attacks Chris in the next episode I’m out.

11) Jillian. This is what I wrote about her in my notes:

  • DC
  • Does news
  • Added something to the D2
  • Lifts heavy and loves it
  • Jacked legs
  • Type A whirlwind

Those are some great notes, Nick. I just don’t see her in Arlington, you know?

12 to 20) I have no idea who any of these people are.

21) Megan the make-up artist from Nashville on one of Kailtlyn’s knee slappers: “I didn’t get it. Because I’m… something’s not clicking up there.” Nice.

22) Ashley S. It’s a real testament to our number 22 that Ashley S., who has the mannerisms of a robot but the thought processes of a fairy, did not come in last for these first set of rankings.  After she put a penny in Chris’s shoe, she proceeded to get hammered and rant about onions:
“Every person you meet is like an onion. You cut them, but when you cut them you peel them back. And then you peel them back layer by layer.”
HONESTLY, this doesn’t look too bad in print, but the way she said, HONESTLY, it really worried me. Then, she thought she actually saw an onion:
“If it’s a pomegranate then god bless it!… It is a pomegranate. It is!”
I haven’t seen this type of onion obsession outside of Transylvania. I will withhold further judgment until I see her in the sunlight, though.

23) Last place Tara. Notes on Tara:

  • Sports fishing enthusiast from Florida.
  • Wore some bullshit.
  • Mixed reactions from the peanut gallery.
  • Changed clothes. I don’t care about any of this.
  • Sloppy drunk/possible producer plant.

So, she doesn’t have a job, can’t handle any of her best friends of Jack Daniels, Jameson and Johnny Walker and her personality was almost nonexistent. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE’S BACK FOR WEEK TWO. That’s why she comes in last for our first set of power rankings.

Notes on the roseless:

Amanda from Lake in the Hills, Illinois. Is her town named after a horror film? Ballet instructor. Admits to being fucking crazy. Lives with mom, doesn’t pay bills, cooks or cleans. Mom may kill her. Used the term “panty dropper.” Not very lady-like! Showed up in a belly dress. Secret admirer. BACKWARDS HUG TIME: 4 SECONDS. Deep, passionate, intimidating eye contact. She will be missed because I feel she could really narrate the story.

Reegan. BROUGHT A REAL HEART. Like, she said it wasn’t real but it looked real and it was never addressed again. “HAHA NO THIS ISN’T REAL THAT WOULD BE CRAZY I’M NOT CRAZY HAHAHAH I’M GONNA GO INSIDE NOW BYE.” That was a real human heart. No doubt about it.

Nicole. She brought pig nose as a prop and then got absolutely LAMBASTED by her peers. The first was pretty bad when someone said, “It’s cheesy and not sexy.” Harsh, but fair.  But then another said, “Chris doesn’t even have pigs on his farm. Do your research.” Wow! You got straight called out there, Nicole!

A bunch of other people, probably.

Some other stuff that I enjoyed/hated: 

The whole Red Carpet thing was dumb. Let’s all watch these former reality show contestants get drunk while we sit safely behind the velvet rope. The type of person who goes to this thing must really be out of touch with reality. I can’t wait to attend.

Chris Harrison tried to make Nikki cry, right? It felt really weird and I would never go to that thing if I were her unless I was contractually obligated to attend. Of course, she may have been trying to show off how happy she is despite the Juan Pablo break-up. That’s fine, I guess. And, you know, I think they have just broken up because they are two different people. Or at least that’s what Nikki said ten times.

Why do they film the bachelor shower scene every season? THAT WOULD NEVER FLY IN THE BACHELORETTE. Is there a supercut of all the bachelor shower scenes together?

Thought to end this on:

Chris: *knocks on window of limo*
Girl in limo: “Aw, he’s fun guys!”
Aw, he’s fun.
Can’t wait until next week.


Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.