Feb. 11, 2016

Happily Ever Bachelor #6: Emily Kills Jaws

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The Rankings and The Roseless for week six of The Bachelor.

We had a great episode this week, so let’s jump in.

The Rankings:

#1: Emily (Last week: #2)

Why She’s Here: An overall outstanding performance.

Let’s start with this: Emily is my favorite contestant in the history of this show. I absolutely love her. The fact that I refused to consider her a full person until episode three was a giant error. Emily is much more than half of a twin pair. Emily is much more than you, me or any other person watching this show. You know why? Emily competes. This girl is a goddamn competitor. Not only that, but she competes with honor. Emily plays to win.

Emily first showed glimpses of her competitive drive as the impenetrable goalie in week three. I noticed her, but I did not know what else she had in store. Over the last two episodes, we were finally able to see the full picture. When she went after Olivia’s crown at the end of last week’s episode, I found it noble. It looked like she had accepted defeat and sacrificed herself for the good of Ben and the rest of the women at large. I figured she would go out with some bonus screen time, but no rose. Again, I was wrong. Emily received the rose and earned a trip to the Bahamas.

Now, in this week’s episode she was given the death sentence of a two-on-one date. Her competition in this date was also her arch nemesis Olivia. I thought Ben was about as likely to keep Emily as he was to get rid of them both. Expert handicappers in Las Vegas couldn’t even give their hometown gal the push she needed to gain favorite status. This girl was as dead in the water as Martin Brody on Amity Island. Little did we know that she had at least one more shot in the chamber. Like Brody, Emily could have said, “Smile, you son of a bitch” and directed that shot into Olivia’s rows and rows of teeth, but she chose instead to uncork a speech that would make Survivor finalists envious.

As wind whipped her hair in every which way, Emily made her case to Ben. She didn’t need some sappy story or a premature proclamation of love; she simply passionately and proudly stated why Ben should keep her. To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember the details all that well. However, the thesis was pretty apparent: “I want to be here.” Go back to Hulu or your DVR and watch that thing again. It was like Braveheart, Independence Day, and “Thirty Minutes for the Rest of Our Lives” all in one. I would have followed Emily into battles with aliens, the 13th century English army or the entire state of Oklahoma after hearing that. Clearly, Ben would too.

Is Emily’s uphill climb over? Of course not. I can, right now, make the unsubstantiated claim that no person has ever won the show after appearing in the two-on-one date. Would you bet against Emily being the first? I know I wouldn’t.

I have never seen someone so aware that this show is a game and she is playing the game as hard as she possibly can. It’s just so fantastic.

 

#2: The Presence of Lauren B. (Last week: Not Ranked)

Why It’s Here: Derailed an entire date.

I have no idea what happened on that boat/pig/swim date. Seriously, everything was going about as normal as any typical boat/pig/swim date when all of the women started ignoring Ben for seemingly no reason. It turns out this was Lauren B.’s fault. It is hard to tell if this was something she did off-camera or just the general vibes Ben was giving off throughout the date, but there was almost no evidence that anything happened. Let me reiterate, HER MERE PRESENCE INTIMIDATED FIVE OTHER WOMEN TO THE POINT OF TEMPORARY DORMANCY. That is insane!

Sure, Lauren B. had always been the frontrunner, but it feels like she sealed this whole thing up last week.

 

#3: Caila (Last week: #3)

Why She’s Here: Acted like a person.

It’s tough to act like a person in the fishbowl world of The Bachelor. Half the people you live with every day are out to make you look bad in any way possible, and the other half are the women with whom you are competing.

So, when Caila turned the show on its head to discuss how she felt “pressured” to divulge deep secrets about herself, it felt strange. No, not because of the parallels that situation had with some high school jock trying to convince his girlfriend they should “go for it,” but because Caila made the audience think – briefly – about how ridiculous it is for us to watch people attempt to experience a full relationship in, like, three dates.

Then she sort-of ruined it by saying she loved Ben, but still.

 

T-#4) Jojo, Becca, Amanda (Last week: T-#4)

Why They’re Here: Only one can stay.

Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the top three all make the hometown dates next week. Emily is a stretch, but the preview implied that she is going to receive a one-on-one next week and I don’t think Ben would mind a free trip to Las Vegas for a couple days. Caila and Lauren B. are locks.

If I were Ben, I’d keep Jojo, get rid of Becca at the rose ceremony, and gently say goodbye to Amanda before that. I think this ends up being a “producer pick” though and Amanda will stay because a hometown date where a woman gets to introduce her kids generally makes good television.

 

Prediction:

Final four: Emily, Caila, Lauren B, Amanda

Runner-up: Caila

Winner: Lauren B.

 

The Roseless:

Jubilee

What Went Wrong? She just wasn’t meant for the show.

Jubilee did not do well with the nonsense that is The Bachelor. I’m sure it’s exhausting and terrible. I think in a real life situation Jubilee would have done fairly well with Ben. However, this isn’t real life and her anxiety got to her and did nothing to calm Ben. On the final group date, Jubilee experienced all four human emotions – anger, discomfort, culinary success and rejection – and didn’t even make it to the rose ceremony.

 

Lauren H.

What Went Wrong? She wasn’t Lauren B.

 

Olivia

What Went Wrong? Everyone seemed to hate her, Emily’s can-do attitude … and probably editing.

I don’t know where to start with Olivia. I didn’t particularly like her, but I certainly didn’t hate her with the same intensity of other folks. She went from frontrunner to middle-of-the-pack to out faster than you can say, “I want to talk… smart… things.”

It was her time, though. And the producers did a delightful bit of fan service by keeping Olivia on the island as Emily and Ben sailed off into the sunset.

I wonder who will be the villain next week.

 

Jennifer

What Went Wrong? She summed it up best: “He doesn’t know who I am.”

 

Leah

What Went Wrong? She went all-in with a pair of fours.

Leah is essentially the anti-Emily. They both knew it was a game, but Leah chose to spend her time attacking the frontrunner instead of passionately supporting her position in the race. It hasn’t worked for Chris Christie and it didn’t work here either. Ben sent Leah home before the ceremony.

 

Four episodes left, right? Man, this is exciting. I can’t wait for next week.


Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.