The Rankings and The Roseless returns with some spicy Nick on Nick action.
It’s tough out there right now. I’m probably not the first to tell you this, but America is divided.
We can’t even decide where to get our news anymore. We used to all gather around and curl up on the couch to listen to the straight-shooting Brian Williams, but in his network television absence, we are left drifting into our own corners. Some people landed on traditional outlets such as the Washington Post or the New York Times and others prefer to get their news from Fox News or from the graffiti on public restrooms. To each their own I say.
You see, I’m from Iowa. This makes me on an authority on “Average America” because our skewed demographics and rural sensibilities are the most indicative of the country at large. So, I knew this was coming.
It all started a few years back with Ashton Kutcher. Everything in Iowa starts with Ashton. Here is both our prodigal son and the king of our royal family of one (this saying is on our state seal). So when our royal family expanded to include Mila Kunis (Demi Moore is fake news in Iowa), we instantly bought in. The couple took photos at our football games, Mila ate our pizza and they vacationed at Ashton’s Iowa home. We watch That 70’s Show episodes here as religious texts. Only The Bible and the farmer’s almanac outrank the antics of Michael Kelso in our minds.
Unsurprisingly, when the election came around and we saw a Network TV star with a funny hat walking hand-in-hand with a dark character from a former Soviet state, we thought to ourselves “Ashton!” Our hearts burned as red as our state and political ideologies. We practically threw ourselves at Donald Trump.
I say all of this, of course, as a precursor to this season of The Bachelor. Nick Viall is the longest tenured Bachelor personality in the show’s history and, this season, we’ve seen him go from villain to bachelor himself. My advice for Nick: look to Iowa. Do you want to be an Ashton or do you want to be a Donald? One thing I know for sure: With our first reality television show president on the cusp of inauguration, you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be looking for a potential presidential candidate or two on this season of The Bachelor.
Let’s get to it.
#1: Corinne (Last Week: You’re saying I didn’t write one of these last week? Whoops.)
Why She’s Here: Corinne is the embodiment of the “I’m not here to make friends” belief system. What is Corrine here for exactly? I’m not entirely sure, but I will tell you what purpose she is serving: She is this race’s “rabbit.”
In long distance races, there will often be runners that come out hot to set the pace and throw off the favorites before flaming out in the end. This type of person is the rabbit.
Now, Corinne is coming in guns blazing with as much sexuality as possible. On episode two, she both took her top off and requested Nick “Janet Jackson” her in one breath, made out with him every chance she got and “lady peacocked” (I couldn’t think of a printable phrase for this) every time any girl was within in eyesight of her. And guess what? The other women took notice.
Nick, the veteran, gave Corinne the rose on that group date because he knows what that rose accomplishes. Sure, yeah, he’s attracted to her and that played a part, but Nick is too savvy not to know what else it does. First, it helps the producers paint her as the season’s villain. If she does all that and he hands the rose to the mental health counselor Taylor then she is an invalidated nuisance, instead she has a giant target on her back.
Second, it created urgency among the women. This woman just took her top off without reason, told a man she just met to grab her “bosoms” and did this all while 15 women pining for his affections sat and watched. It was nuts! And how many of those women are going to think that they need to partake in similar discourse if they want Nick’s attention? I guess we will find out, but I can tell you that Corinne is escalating this whole season.
Will Corinne make it to the end? No, she won’t be here by week five. Luckily, the nice thing about a rabbit running on sexuality is that it transitions well into Playboy Bunny.
Why She’s Here: Rachel both received the first impression rose and is a lawyer from the south. This sounds a lot like Andi Dorfman, which means Rachel is on-brand for Nick and will certainly make a deep run in this season. As someone who is tired of white guys and white women on this show every year, I would love for her to win, but I’d prefer her to finish second and become the next Bachelorette.
Why She’s Here: Alexis showed up in a shark outfit and then attempted to convince everyone it was a dolphin outfit. I enjoyed this. Millions of words have been written about the shark outfit, but I just don’t understand how this decision was made. Dolphin fanatic that she is, there is no way that she ordered and then packed her suitcase with a giant shark outfit on her flight from Secaucus, New Jersey to Los Angeles. That didn’t happen.
I think some asshole producer purchased (or probably found) a shark prop costume and, after Alexis tossed back a couple drinks at the hotel before meeting Nick, they convinced her to wear it. She might have legitimately thought it was a dolphin costume! Or maybe I’m not giving her enough credit for a joke that Nick seemed to find endearing.
Oh yeah, and in episode two, Alexis bolstered an already boobs-heavy episode by bringing out a pair of cupcakes to celebrate the one year “birthday” of her breast implants.
I hope she’s around for awhile.
Why She’s Here: The mental health counselor sounds like both a fake job and one that I could use. I’m just locking her spot up in the top four now. She will get a hometown date.
#5 to 20-something: The rest
Why They’re Here: I know there are other people, but hardly remember any of them. Sorry, guys.
One last thing before I get to those without roses. This was a genius episode two by The Bachelor producers. For the two group dates, they created an immense amount of trailer b-roll.
What Went Wrong? Liz was gone in Nick’s mind the second she walked out of the limo.
Personally, I can’t decide where I land with Liz. My own progressive beliefs mixed with my folksy language essentially make me the Joe Biden of Bachelor hot-takery. As such, I support everything y’all kids want to do with one another. Yet, in this case, I think that if you have:
- A one-night stand
- At a reality TV wedding
- Refused to give the other person your number
- Never called or talked to them afterwards
…then there may be a case to be made that you guys shouldn’t elope after six weeks on The Bachelor.
But what do I know? I’m just writing about this show for my (sigh) sixth season.
See you next week.