Mar. 9, 2016

Happily Ever Bachelor: Critic’s Choice Awards

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Prepare for the finale with some cast superlatives and a look at the next Bachelorette.

Okay, let’s be honest here. The last few episodes of The Bachelor were boring. They are often boring, but with this year’s winner so clearly locked up, I found myself fading out during ‘sodes and even passed out during one. That’s okay though! The three-week hiatus is over and I’m back to discuss this season’s best performances and The Bachelorette odds.

Let’s hand out some awards.

My Best Friend Award: Emily

The main reason I took the last couple weeks off was because Ben booted Emily. He should have kept her around simply for the underdog narrative! I don’t think she was ever America’s favorite, but she was certainly the most earnest contestant the show has ever seen.

I fully expect Emily and I to start hanging out in a couple years just so she can treat minor injustices that happen to me as if they are extreme personal attacks.

“Nick, I’m pretty sure that guy in front of you got three more black beans on his burrito than you did. What the fuck is that about? Why would they do that to you? Who treats people this way? Nick, if anything you deserve all of the black beans in the world. Oh my God, the fact that he got more black beans than you has to be the most offensive thing I have ever seen!”

And Emily would be right. I would deserve all of those black beans.

Stupidest Gimmick (Presented by KFC’s Double Down): Tiara

She brought the chicken back! Who brings the chicken twice?! I guess the only way the producers would let her back is if she brought the chicken, but how crazy for fame/chicken’s rights do you have to be to actually listen to them? The producers even put her in flannel.

The worst two minutes of my life? This.

The Girl Who Is Surprisingly Kinda Hated: Caila

People kinda hate Caila! I roll in a lot of Bachelor enthusiast circles and I had no idea that people didn’t like her. Is she fake? Is she too happy? People generally hate happiness so that could be it. I just don’t get it. I’m not saying I love her (I actually forgot her name and had to Google it before awarding this award), but she doesn’t seem all that hateable to me.

However, you have to give credit to Jojo for making a run to the final when I had Caila pinned for runner-up since week one. Very impressive stuff from JoJo.

Speaking of JoJo….

Best Use Of Incest (Sponsored by Game of Thrones): JoJo’s Bros

They were trying to get television time I guess, but I don’t think the JoBro’s should have led with excessive hugs and blind over-attachment. One of those bros was even on another reality show trying to find love. He should know how this works! Yet, they kept at it. No JoBros, no.

Cool Thing I Found This Season: Bachelor Wikipedia

Every single episode is transcribed on there! They even have a ‘sode-by-‘sode breakdown of the girls-sent-packing each week. It’s essentially the SparkNotes version of my nonsense. Except, I do not transcribe bloopers as well as the weirdos on The Bachelor Wikipedia page. Seriously, they transcribed the bloopers! Straight from the Wikipedia page:

“The bloopers were shown including one production crew almost drowned on a pool during Ben and JoJo’s overnight date, Olivia’s confessional interview caused a blackout failure and water split on JoJo’s dress, and Becca’s dress in Las Vegas as well.”

We may have to track down this little editor and give them a guest spot next week. They must have a keen eye because the only thing I remember from the blooper reel was when “one production crew almost drowned on a pool.” The rest was a blur.

Worst Villain: Leah

She was a villain for like eight minutes of screen time and she got booed at the “Women Tell All.” I hardly even remember her villain turn and no one asked a single question about her football obsession. I just wanted to know why.

Best Argument During The “Women Tell All” That I Completely Can’t Comment On: The one between Jubilee, Amber and Jami

I can’t comment on it, but I found it hilarious that Shushanna got involved. Shushanna better rule Paradise.

Best Villian: Olivia

Olivia was a C+ villain for me. Other folks hated her so much that she made her sister take over her social media accounts. Not to defend her too much, but imagine if they cut this absolutely hilarious column down to the worst 10% every week. Yeah, it’s still hilarious and culturally significant, but likely less so. And that’s what can happen when you’re on television. Olivia could have received a bad cut. Also, if Olivia, the television news anchor and reality television star, thinks she is “introverted” then I didn’t do an Internet deep-dive down all of Shushanna’s social media sites.

 

All right, let’s quickly handicap The Bachelorette options.

Caila: -200

I actually thought her reaction to getting cut was pretty admirable. I’m sure a pretty solid story could be crafted here, but I have a feeling she would be a ratings disaster. I just don’t think she’s that interesting.

Jojo: +150

Jojo should be the pick. Why isn’t she the pick? Are the producers hiding that they picked Jojo until after the season? Did she not pick up the phone? Is Jojo okay? Did the JoBros kidnap Jojo?

Jubilee: +500

I think Jubilee is great, but I don’t know if The Bachelor is the right franchise for her. She needs to be around actual human persons and not on this nightmare program.

Becca: +1200

I don’t get Becca. The best thing about her is something she hasn’t lost yet, but people seem to like her. I did like the blooper where she lifted weights and drank mimosas, though.

Lauren B.: +1500

Don’t let the prospect of Lauren B. not winning fool you. This is a sucker’s bet right here. Lauren B. is winning this thing.

Amy Schumer: +7500

She’s out there.

The Twins: +15000

Actually, let’s just make it Emily. Imagine how hard she would try!

 

Finals are on Monday.


Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.