Happily Ever Bachelor: The Kimmeling

Let’s just start this thing.

We’re four seconds into this episode and Chris is already showering. What a clean guy.

I like Jimmy Kimmel for the most part, but who came up with this gimmick? “Hey, what if we had Jimmy Kimmel meet all the women and make some jokes about how stupid this process is?” I miss the illusion that people are taking this thing seriously. Chris Harrison and I are both pissed.

“With Jimmy Kimmel and The Bachelor combining… it’s gonna be super awesome.” Maybe Becca and the producer who pitched this had the same thought.

Kaitlyn got the one on one! And Jimmy Kimmel will be there so it will be extra extravagant, I guess.

The One-on-One:

They’re DOWNING champagne before arriving via limo to a Costco. “We’re actually getting out here?” asks Kaitlyn.

So, Jimmy Kimmel is basically putting them on a scavenger hunt through Costco. They had to get enough ketchup to fill a hot tub and a tub of mayo. But, aw, these kids are just making the best of it, aren’t they?

They’re making dinner for Jimmy and both of them seem pretty sloshed. They are downing bourbon, champagne and what have you. “I really hope that Jimmy doesn’t show up,” says Chris seconds before Jimmy shows up.

I just noticed that Kaitlyn has a tattoo under her right bicep and spent about fifteen minutes trying to figure out the design. I think it’s an anchor or like a bow and arrow. I need a backstory and a history of that tattoo. WAIT, THERE’S ONE UNDER BOTH ARMS. Amazing.

Kaitlyn called Jimmy an asshole. IT WAS PLAYFUL BUT SHE MEANT IT.

Jimmy “specializes in making people uncomfortable.” He just asked Kaitlyn about the fantasy suite and what happens inside of it. I can’t really describe this interaction to its fullest, but basically she doesn’t care and is down for whatever.

I mean, Chris and Kaitlyn are super sloshed.

Chris just cut off Chris mid-rose distribution. Twice.

I will say that Chris and Kaitlyn hit it off.  I’m not sure if Jimmy’s presence there helped them, but it certainly didn’t hurt. While Jimmy, Chris and Kaitlyn have a threesome, we head back to the Bachelorette house.

Group Date:

Jimmy Kimmel is here again and they are at a petting zoo, maybe? Is this a petting zoo? Jimmy says they are playing farm games. So there are pettable animals but no zoo.

They’re drinking goat milk, shuckin’ corn, and wrestlin’ pigs. You can basically do all of these things at the Iowa State Fair, by the way.

Shockingly, Permanently Blurred Ass Jillian (PBAJ) and her jacked arms are ahead in this competition. You can tell she loves Chris the most because she can shuck corn well. Is she really wearing a “Stay Classy” shirt with those shorts? That’s crazy.

They’re drinking goat’s milk straight out the goat. It’s not going well!

“It’s salty and warm. That’s not stuff I like in my mouth.” GREAT ONE LINER, THERE AMBER. However, Chris just crossed you off the list. Sorry.

Carly won. Her prize is to not only smell like manure, pig and goat milk but she also gets to do an American Gothic reenactment. Typical first date stuff.

Amber and Carly both kiss Chris.

So does Britt.

Mackenzie is pissed and decides to bring up the fact that Chris kisses a lot of girls to him during their brief one-on-one time. Yeah, that’s clearly an important discussion point. That is, it would if be this were real life. If you come on this show, you know the dude you’re pursuing is going to be locking a lot of lips.

Hypothetically, if you were to bring it up, the way to do it is not to say, “I guess I’m gonna be blunt *SCARY FACE*. You remember how we kissed? Wait, why are you kissing everyone else, too?” Chris didn’t have a perfect answer, but he could have said “Bachelor reasons” and it would have sufficed. Not to say that he’s right, but that is what this show does. Plus, kissing makes better television than conversation. The producers want him making moves.

Rose time:

I think Carly snags this one. I like Carly!

Becca got it! Ashley S. made a great shocked face. Why is she not getting any screen time? I thought she would get a full one-on-one and not get the rose. Maybe next week?

Second one-on-one:

Whitney is up. I don’t think I like Whitney. She’s just too much.  Intense girls scare the hell out of me.

“Rolling the cob” is not a phrase Chris. You’re making up phrases.

All these girls think they have a great connection that can’t be faked.

Ok, so there is a wedding that just happens to be in the background of this date? “YOLO. I’m spontaneous.” Shut up, Whitney. Anyway, they are going to go “crash” this wedding. I’m sure this will be the first successful crash ever that includes two people not dressed for a wedding, three camera guys, six production assistants and two producers. BUT HOW ORGANIC AND CUTE AND SPONTANEOUS AWWWWW!

Kaitlyn would be a much better partner for wedding crashing. FACT.

“The worst-case-scenario for today is that we may end up in jail.” What are you planning on doing at this wedding, Chris? Are you going to make a move on the bride? Run naked through the ceremony? Kill an usher? Call me crazy, but I don’t think he’s going to end up in jail after this.

Wait, now it’s night and they are in a limo?

This seems a lot more real than I thought. I’m legitimately uncomfortable watching. I still don’t believe that nobody noticed the cameras. Maybe they are just saying the bride and groom hired them? None of this is real.

Whitney has caught eight out of eleven bouquets in her lifetime? What a stat! Something tells me a competitor like Jillian would be at nine, though.

Cocktail Party:

Pool party instead. Classic Chris! I wonder what rules the bachelors are given for when they are allowed to make cocktail parties into pool parties. Just whenever? How much power do they really have? “Today, in lieu of a cocktail party, we will have a series of drinking contests. Last girls standing get roses.” I don’t care about the health risks. That would be great television!

(Is this how she spells it? If so, Christ.) Juelia just described her husband’s suicide. That’s just rough. Let’s go back to unnecessary pool parties.

Britt moves in for a makeout.

Jade needs to make a big move quick and so she requests a tour of his place. Smart move by Jade. Chris points to his outdoor shower. Is this a thing in California? I know they have, like, outdoor high schools in California because the weather is so great. Does that weather freedom extend to showers and such? What a wonderful place.

PBAJ follows the two back to his place and posts up in his hot tub for Chris to emerge. ***Use of acronym then pronoun, and then Chris is confusing, may want to clarify

Jade decides to “test the bed out” with Chris. Jade is so subtle. How many girls has he kissed now? It seems like more than normal for a season.

Megan, Mackenzie and Ashley I. are desperately trying to get “ten minutes” with Chris. They are desperate for ten minutes! This show expedites the dating process to such a level that ten minutes is enough time for:

“Hey, Hello”

“Remember this thing?”

“I was really close with my parents and now they are dead.”

Before you finally get to the, “Yes, let us make out now.”

Ten minutes!

Ashley I. finally has her time with Chris and she’s not doing too well. She has no idea what to say so she starts making-out as a defense mechanism.

Oh, Chris Harrison is still on this show and he announces that there, in fact, will be a rose ceremony tonight. I don’t know how we did this show without you, Harrison.

With the roses come the rankings:

1) Kaitlyn (Last week: 2): The Canadian grabs the top spot! That weird one-on-one-on-one date with Jimmy spring boarded her up to one. She continues to narrate well, really “impress” Chris, and just generally do interesting stuff. Great prospect. I don’t see her winning, but she may be an early front-runner for the next Bachelorette.

2) Whitney (8): Whitney also rises up after getting a one-on-one with Chris. It seems as if all these traditional dates really help out these ladies in these rankings! Is it editing? Is it alcohol? Is it the fact that the producers intentionally put two attractive people in a vile with one of the best dates they’ll ever have and shake? Who knows? All I know is that it helped Whitney this week.

3) Britt (1): The waitress from Los Angeles makes her first appearance off the top line. Judging my next week’s preview, her topple may have just begun.

4) Jade (6): Not really sure who to put here, so I’m going to go with Jade. Some very tactical plays this week got her into Chris’s house. Impressive stuff!

5) Carly (9 to 14): I wanted to put Carly higher but she maxes out as a hometown date type girl. Always a cruise ship singer never a, um, regular singer? Sure, let’s go with that! Clever stuff!

6) Becca (9 to 14): She got a group date rose.

7) Megan (3): No date this week. Tough to rank her, but this seems about right.

8-10) Samantha, Juelia, Nikki. Just sort of hanging around. THESE LADIES ARE WATER TREADERS.

11) Mackenzie (4): I respect her for calling our Chris for his bro attitude, but I don’t think he did. I would guess she only has a couple episodes left.

12) Kelsey (9-14): I don’t think Kelsey has had more than thirty seconds of screen time, but she is in every preview. I’m predicting a BIG coming out party next week.

13) Ashley I. (5):  Ashley got really nervous about date time with Chris and could barely make it through the bikini beach fun time partay, but she got her make-out time and snagged the final rose. I think she’ll move her way back up, but she had a rough one this week.

14) Jillian (15): I bet PBAJ is very intimidating in person, but she rubs me the wrong way and I want her gone.

Last) Ashley S. (Last): Last.

Notes on the Roseless:

Amber (7): First girl who Chris kissed to be cut. Also, she’s our only black girl on the show this season. What a sad show.

Jenna (9 to 14): I have no thoughts on this person.

Tracy (9 to 14): I kind of liked her on the first episode, but never really made an impression on Chris. Oh well. I guess she has her nine cats back at home waiting for her.

Thought to end this:

I’ve got a prediction! Kelsey and Ashley S. will be the first two-on-one date. Kelsey gets the rose!

Can’t wait.

Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.