01.16.2015

Happily Ever Bachelor: The Zombies, the Witch and the Tractor

NickBachClean

I’m going running diary style for episode two. Let’s dive right in:

The Diary:

Shockingly, Kimberly is allowed back in. Good for her. She teaches yoga.

“Goodbye means see you later. Like, see you never.” – Kaitlyn

I THINK HE’S GONNA KEEP KIMBERLY, GUYS. She teaches yoga.

Yeah, she’s back. “THIS KIM BROAD.” Chris needs to be TOUGHER in his picks. You need to believe in your picks, guy! Can’t be wishy-washy.

Chris “doesn’t play by the rules!”

Who gets the first one on one date? I’M LITERALLY DYING WITH ANTICIPATION. It’s probably Britt, right?

He kept 23 total women. I’m not an expert on this (just kidding I am), but I feel like the number after first cuts is usually around 15 to 17. I’m predicting a HUGE cut this episode.

Chris lives just down the driveway this year and everyone is startled! Does the bachelor usually not live just down the driveway? *PAN TO CHRIS SHOWERING AGAIN* We may get to see Chris shower every episode! What a season!

Wait, I thought they usually started these things with a one-on-one and not a group date? Jade (who I’ve been told has naked pictures online) DOES NOT agree with Kimberly’s inclusion on this mini-group date.

The First Mini-Group Date:

Ashley I. says she’s a little Kardashian. I can see it!

The first date is a pool party. With six women. Chris says this is “an awesome” first date. What a ballsy first date choice. Chris is bro-in’ out.

This whole reintroduction thing that Kimberly and Chris are doing is weird. Chris is so corny (that’s a little Iowa joke for you).

Back at the bachelorette pad, Megan and Jillian’s blurred out underwear are making backdoor jokes on the way to Chris’s quarters. Also, Megan put on Chris’s motorcycle helmet and is ramming her head into everything. Like, everything. Remember, this is the same girl who mentioned that “something’s… not clicking up there” about herself in the premier. I THINK WE FOUND OUT WHY. Jillian and Megan do make a nice duo, though. They’re like Pinky and the Brain, except if the Brain did cross fit.

Returning to the date, the girls and Chris are now walking about town. The girls are still in their bikinis because he wants to “see their country.”

Fun fact: all Iowans walk around in their bikinis all day unlike y’all stuck-up city folk. Guys often get in nude wrestling matches in the middle of our entirely dirt roads. Sometimes a pig or two will join in. That’s just life out here in God’s country. Oh, I guess they are going to race tractors? Yep, must be a Monday through Saturday because that’s when the tractor races take place up here in Iowa.

Racing a tractor through downtown Los Angeles wearing a bikini and cowboy boots was at the top of Tara’s bucket list? I think I believe her.

Half of Jade’s game is just making sex eyes at Chris.

What does the winner of this tractor race get? Does the winner not get anything?

This race is a barnburner!*

*Farmer humor

I have no idea who won. I was too busy patting myself on the back for that joke.

Mackenzie has overalls on now and got the extra time with Chris. How many girls brought overalls, you think? If I were going on this season it would have been an automatic pack. I’d also wear a straw hat and put just a tiny stalk of wheat in my mouth at all times. You know, standard school uniform stuff.

Chris had his ear pierced!

I try to bring up aliens on all of my first dates. Don’t know where Mackenzie went wrong here. But, for real, you can tell she’s 21. HER KID LOOKED WAY OLDER THAN ONE. That’s a big kid! Probably a future offensive tackle for the Iowa Hawkeyes!

Mackenzie gets the rose! Aliens and admitting teen pregnancy will snag you the rose ten out of ten times.

Back at the house:

Megan got the one-on-one? Megan wants everyone to feel her insides. What the hell, Megan?

Did Mackenzie and Chris actually kiss? They didn’t, right? I need to pay better attention.

One-On-One:

Megan totes forgets to breathe sometimes.

Chris has the right mindset about her, I guess. He says she’s fun and easygoing. Fair.

Their first date is a helicopter ride through the Grand Canyon followed by a champagne and fresh fruit picnic by a riverbed. All things considered, that’s pretty nice!

Megan says she’s here for the right reasons and this is a huge leap of faith. This lands her a kiss and a rose.

The date is over. I think it went well!

Second Group Date:

Eleven girls are headed to some type of haunted house and their lives seem to be in real danger here. Everyone is screaming and panicking inside the limo as a zombie horde approaches them. Everyone, that is, except Ashley S.! She isn’t even fazed! This girl is straight Luna Lovegooding right now.

By the way, there was no danger. It was just Chris. I know I couldn’t believe it either.

Yes! A couple girls were pounding limo shots before getting out of the vehicle. That is some great camera work there.

They’re dividing into four teams of three to kill the zombies. Kaitlyn the Canadian mentions that “killing zombies is my jam,” and Britt says she’s “amazing at paintball.” They were the frontrunners last episode for a reason.

Ashley S. is trying to shoot her teammates. This is a fake person.

I have no idea what’s going on in this date. There’s just a lot of shooting and screaming. Exactly like real war!

Ashley S. is overkilling these zombies. Make fun of her all you want, but that’s smart strategy. Zombies play dead all the time!

Back at the house, the girls are getting facials and drinking wine. Jordan is attempting to twerk. You can tell she’s a student because she’s been slammed for four straight days. Apparently, Jordan thinks Jillian has a hairy ass. Why do they keep censoring Jillian’s while she wears clothes? What’s happening?

Ashley S. remains the vocal point of this date. She says an angel may get the rose. In my opinion, that seems unlikely. BUT WHO KNOWS BECAUSE CHRIS DOESN’T PLAY BY THE RULES.

Kaitlyn and Chris seem to be hitting it off. They kiss.

Ashley S. has deviated from Luna Lovegood and is now acting like a baked four-year-old sleepwalker (I assume). Is she drunk? Is it possible she has a concussion? It is probably for the best that Chris told her to go to bed.

Britt and Chris make-out for a bit.

And the rose goes to….

Kaitlyn. Looks like the angel will go roseless again. Truly heartbreaking.

Rose Ceremony:

Whitney is the first to get some one-on-one time. I have no thoughts on Whitney, but she did just say the word “fav” so that’s good. “Fave?” I’m gonna go with fave.

Ashley I. is a virgin! Interesting! Mackenzie says that Ashley I. should tell Chris as soon as possible because guys “want to take girls’ virginities.” MY TAKE: Use it when you’re feeling like you’re going home (not your actual v-card, but the truth about it). That’s an automatic extra week right there! She then proceeds to make Chris rub her belly ring and aggressively make out with him. So, she’s definitely not giving off virgin vibes right now.  Or she’s trying hard not to give them off, at least.

Amber also kisses Chris. What is his Total Girls Kissed at right now? 6? 8? Puttin’ up big numbers.

Jordan is drunk again and is trying to make out with the camera. She’s gone. I kind of like Jordan! She’s a drunken mess, but she’s funny and who’s to say I wouldn’t act the same way if I were in her shoes. Sign me up for Team Jordan! #jordanbrand

Roses time!

And with the Roses come the rankings:

1) Britt (Last week: 1): Her hold on that top spot may be weakening, but she still got some solid time with Prince Farming.

2) Kaitlyn the Canadian (2): She received a rose during the zombie date and has done a very good job narrating the story while continuing to exude small amounts of craziness here or there. That’s an ideal woman.

3) Megan (21): What a turnaround! She’s still not all there, but I think she made a pretty big impact on Chris. Yes, she had a huge advantage by getting the only real date, but still!

4) Mackenzie (12 to 20): A little of this is by default, but she did get a rose in a bikini group date and that obviously counts for something. Of course, if you don’t give the 21-year-old mother a rose you look like a total dick.

5) Ashley I. (12 to 20): She’s an up-and-comer for sure! An impressive amount of screen time plus one of the longer make-outs PLUS one huge trump card down her sleeve. Look out for her!

6) Jade (5 to 9): Seems like she’ll get her way at some point.

7) Amber (12 to 20): Still don’t feel as if we know much about her, but she did get a kiss.

8) Whitney (12 to 20): They continue to give her screen time so I’m going to assume she’ll stick around for a bit. The nurses always seem to stick around.

9-14) None of these people talked. I’m pretty sure none of these people talked.

15) Jillain (11): Hairy ass concerns aside, she’s terrifying. Her loud laugh after an unsuccessful J-Law (you know when you, like, trip and it’s adorable and everybody is like wow she’s just like me?) during the rose ceremony completed scared me off of her. “That was just embarrassing.”

16 and 17) Becca and Samantha. I don’t know who you people are.

18) Ashley S. (22): I believe this is how many girls are left. Ok, this girl is only being kept around because: A) the poisonous gas that got inside her head also spread to Chris, B) general reasons why you would want to keep a witch around or C) the producers want another week of hijinks. My guess is C, but you can never fully toss out B either.

Notes on the Roseless:

Tara (23): I don’t think I ever saw her actually talk to Chris outside of their first interaction. This is not a good sign for your life on this type of program. Screaming this “[THIS] WILL HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE” is good television, but pretty hard to relate to. I mean, you knew the guy for five minutes.

Kimberly (10): I predicted waaayyy too good of things for Kimberly after she triumphantly returned from elimination in week one. She then gets the double stabbing by going again in week two. That’s rough!

Jordan (12 to 20): She probably wasn’t ready for love, but she treated the four days she was on the show the same way I would have treated a vacation: by getting day drunk and twerking on walls. We should all be proud of her.

Thought To End This:

Chris’s group dates were bikini tractor racing and zombie paintball hunting. He’s treating this opportunity like a bachelor party and that’s fantastic.

He’s so fun.

Nick Dorman (@nickdorman) is a clean cut young professional.