Some helpful tips for a happy meal.
“If my food doesn’t come out soon, I will murder everyone in this restaurant.”
I know what you’re thinking. The food is taking forever, and it only makes sense to tell a member of the staff that you are a real threat to not only their own life but the lives of everyone who is working and dining at the restaurant. This, however, is a rookie mistake. Almost 100% of the time, the threat of murder will actually delay your food, if not prevent it from ever finding its way to your table. There have even been documented cases of law enforcement getting involved, which are easy to locate online when typing my full name into any major search engine.
“I was with Philip Seymour Hoffman a few hours before his death.”
Some call this pick-up line a classic, others a cliché. Regardless of what you consider this particular series of words, it’s time to put this sentence to rest. Of course you would like an attractive server to think you personally knew the man who won Best Actor at the 2005 Academy Awards, but we all know that isn’t the truth. If you are interested in pursuing somebody romantically, be honest and don’t attempt to do so while they are at work. Besides, they’ve definitely heard this one before.
“I can’t remember the last time I was happy.”
No one cares. Dumping your personal problems onto someone who is being paid to talk to you is textbook exploitation. Restaurants are for eating, not venting about your depression. In fact, there is no time or place to vocalize any thoughts that are a direct result of depression. Most medical professionals unanimously agree that the best way to treat depression is to not tell anyone ever, so order another drink and keep staring out that window as you take up an entire booth by yourself.
“I just found out I have an 18-year-old son and I am meeting him for the first time tomorrow.”
Tomorrow is a big day for you. Trust me. I know. A son for all these years? You thought you were just Mr. Cool Guy, living in a series of downtown lofts and playing bass in a number of bands that never amounted to anything. You always told yourself that you’d be the perfect dad if you ever had kids because of your own absent father, whom you’ve now become. Hell, you haven’t even seen this kid’s mom since that night, but God did she look good at that Pearl Jam concert on the Yield Tour in ‘98. Rose lipstick and that perfect strawberry-blonde hair, a diamond amongst pebbles, a burning star in a dark sky. There’s no way to go back in time and change anything. All you can do is look him in the eyes tomorrow and hope he lets you into his life from now on to make up for lost time. Talking about it today is only going to stress you out even more.
“I am the Colonial Parkway Killer.”
The Colonial Parkway Killer is a serial killer who murdered at least eight people along the Colonial Parkway in Virginia between 1986 and 1989. The victims were all couples, three of which were found while the fourth went missing and was presumed dead. This may seem like something you should say to your sever as they would be inclined to believe on account of the killer never being caught. However, you are not the Colonial Parkway Killer. He is too clever and too careful to be caught at this point. He is believed to be extremely intelligent and is likely as lean and athletic as he was at the time of the killings. There is no way he would ever confess to a stranger at a restaurant after all this time. He has come to terms with his past and has no plans to ever reveal himself to anyone. At the most, he might toy with the possibility of doing so in the form of a hypothetical scenario within an article he wrote for a humor website, but the world will never know for sure.