Jan. 29, 2017

Trump’s Personal Assistant Measures Him For 9th Consecutive Day

Donald Trump height - Couchface - Blog

In the face of criticism, Donald Trump has dedicated himself to an unusual routine in the doorway of the Oval Office.

Over a week after being sworn into office as the 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump has adopted a morning ritual unheard of among past presidents. Every morning at 10:30 a.m., Marty Dover, Trump’s personal assistant, is tasked with measuring Trump in the doorway of the Oval Office. Given that Trump is turning 71-years-old this June, this strange practice would appear to be a complete waste of valuable time.

“A lot of people have been asking me about it,” said Marty. “Everyone assumes he’s been having me measure him because he’s insecure about his height, but that isn’t it at all. It started a couple weeks back when the president had us all watch the movie Fred Claus together. He pointed at the screen and said ‘That guy! I like that guy! I want to be like him!’ This was after Christmas when President Trump had us watch the movie. He told me he likes to watch Christmas movies after the holiday has already passed because it makes it feel like Christmas lasts longer that way.”

“That guy” on the screen whom the president was referring to was Vince Vaughn, an actor famous for most of the movies he has been in with the exception of Fred Claus. Marty went on to explain that Donald Trump had him read Vince Vaughn’s Wikipedia page aloud while the president was trying to remember how to fold paper airplanes. Upon hearing that Vince Vaughn stands at 6’5”, two inches taller than himself, Trump was devastated.

“I didn’t know what to do. He was having a complete breakdown,” explained Marty. “I told him that he might still be growing and we better check to make sure. After a day had gone by without him getting any taller, I expected him to drop it, but now he gets very anxious to do it every morning and I have to make him finish his breakfast. I never used to have a problem with getting him to finish his breakfast.

So, we had to ask, is Donald Trump really still growing?

“Of course not,” said Marty. “But don’t tell him that I told you that. He was getting very frustrated with the idea that he may never be the same height as Vince Vaughn, so this morning I lied and said he got a centimeter taller.”

We were given a brief moment to ask the president about the whole ordeal. At the time, he had no idea Marty told us about the make-believe centimeter. I asked the president if he actually believed there was any chance he could still be growing at his age to which he smirked and replied “Just you wait”.

Now that President Donald Trump believes he is still growing, the question is, what’s next?

“Well, I’m just going to add a centimeter every couple of days,” explained Marty. “I’ll probably get shorter shoes for myself and put higher inserts in his shoes one day while he’s taking his afternoon bath. He does have his annual physical coming up in April, so I’ll definitely be fired once he gets measured by the doctor. Despite what people may think, I will easily be able to keep this up until then.”

Marty then let out a deep sigh and gazed his tired eyes out the window.

“Honestly, I’m ready to be doing something else.”


Alex Moore (@AlexShaneMoore) is looking for love in all the wrong Denny's restaurants.