It was love at first like for one of the wolves from the Twilight series.
I found you, somewhere out. Right round there, right round there.
I used to be jealous of Jacob Black when he spoke. The intensity in his eyes, the pictures he painted in the thoughts he shared with me, all things I had never even felt for Kanye West. Sure, I stayed up late listening to his entire discography (including “Drunk and Hot Girls”), but it was nothing like what Jacob felt. And for Jacob to feel that for a baby?
Ugh, I hated the pack of werewolves my dad forced me to hang out with.
Of course, now that I’ve found my own baby to imprint upon, I feel bad for resenting Jacob’s love at the time. I guess I was annoyed with that stupid town too. Forks, Washington was a pretty mediocre place to live. Mediocre diners, mediocre high school, and a mediocre vampire cult we threatened to destroy every two minutes. But you know what wasn’t mediocre? That stupid Renesmee Cullen who Jacob never stopped going on and on about.
Renesmee was three feet tall, three-years-old, and, oh yeah, Bella Swan’s daughter. The girl Jacob was “in love” with for most of high school. Isn’t that kind of fucked up? He wanted to bang his first love’s first born. I thought it was pretty weird too until I learned about imprinting, this thing us werewolves did sometimes. When we imprinted on a person, we became unconditionally bound to them for life. It was how Quileute shape-shifters found our soul-mates, so it was a pretty big deal. Kind-of like marriage for some people.
See, I had moved to Forks from Los Angeles, a place where everything was extraordinary. Extraordinary restaurants, extraordinary movie stars, extraordinary high schools (plural), hell, even an extraordinary view. I mean, to go from that … to Forks? It. Blew. Massive. Garlic Sauce. Dude.
Jacob never stopped talking about this new girl. Not two months prior, he was all about the Bella chick he had been trying to bag for, like ever. Saying things like, “She deserved better than Edward” and I can’t believe she friend zoned me.” Dude, get over it! She didn’t want to have sex with you. Why don’t you just, like, enjoy her as a person and respect her decisions instead of brooding over the fact that she won’t sleep with you? And then Jacob fell in love with her daughter.
Bella wasn’t anything compared to Kanye, anyway. Back when I lived in L.A., Kanye and I sort-of had a thing. At least, we would have if it weren’t for that blood-sucking leech Kim Kardashian. Kanye and I started off real good friends before she decided she wanted a taste. I’d stand outside his window and his security guard would yell at me, you know, cute things like that. Then Kim came out of nowhere, skin sparkling with that sequin dress she had on, and scooped Kanye like a fish in a barrel.
To make matters worse, Kanye was really on the chopping block with Taylor Swift’s girl squad over the lyrics on his song “Famous.” In Forks, we called gangs like Swift’s “Volturi.” L.A.’s Volturi were pretty tame. They usually just put on world tours and wrote songs about boys who had broken their hearts. But the one in Italy was the real deal. They killed vampires who turned babies into vampires and then killed those baby vampires. I hoped Kanye would be okay.
I went to Kim’s Instragram whenever I missed Kanye. I couldn’t see photos of him on Facebook anymore because Kim made Kanye block me over some really petty motorcycle incident. So I had to creep on that she-devil’s Instagram. It was all selfies. I always had to scroll and scroll even though I really didn’t have the patience for it, but yesterday was different. Yesterday was when I saw…
Him. It was him.
I knew he was the one. The one I had waited all my life for. Jacob’s rants about Renesmee felt pointless as the world around me became silent. Still as the water before a hurricane. I had never seen anyone so perfect.
To say I would do anything to protect Saint West from harm was selling myself short. I would have gone to the end of the world to retrieve a baguette from France if he were out of bread. I would have spit saliva into his mouth if we ran out of water in the desert. I would have rubbed his back after a long day of photoshoots. Anything. If only it meant we would spend our life together, forever. I finally got it. That thing Jacob was saying about imprinting. Suddenly, it wasn’t so weird to fall in love with a baby.
Phone in hand, I exited Instagram and looked up JetBlue Airlines. One ticket to L.A, please. The next flight left in two hours and if I beat the raging traffic in this town of 3,650 people, I might even have enough time for a bagel at the airport. Perfect.
I bought a bouquet of red roses and bounced them up and down my lap as I anxiously thought about what to say to Saint. Would he adore my shot-for-shot rendition of the “Bound 2” music video featuring him and I in place of his parents? Would he be impressed with all of these degrees, man? Only time will tell.